Withdrawal Symptoms

*I am nowhere near qualified to be giving advice about anything I am discussing. This blog is just focusing on how I HANDLE and found conclusions, or no conclusion YET, to issues most people face in life. I encourage you to read my about me page before reading further.*

INTRODUCTION

Hey, welcome back! So you are having withdrawals. I understand. There are no nice words to describe the feelings you currently feel when breaking your toxic addictions. But on a happy note, you took the first step and cut off that situation, person or thing that does not mean you any good. The fact that you are here means a lot to me. I really did not have any support when I went through my withdrawal phase, besides my therapist whom I paid to see every week. And formerly, an over exhausted brother who had put up with so many relapses of me going back to the familiar. He never knew when I was letting go for real each time. I could tell his ever-loving patience was thinning. I did not want to burden him. By the time I really decided to let go I exhausted my support systems and therefore I had none. So with that being said although I had a few addictions this post is focusing on how I handled and managed my withdrawals.

TO ABOLISH ADDICTIONS ONE MUST KNOW THEY ARE ADDICTED!

LET’S BREAK THIS DOWN

It is ironic how we never think we will get to rock bottom until we have reached it. Many of us, never thought we would ever have an addiction. And then here we are, facing this bad habit that we cannot break. This addiction that serves us no purpose in life. It makes us feel amazing, but brings us no benefits but that feeling of amazement and comfort. Many of us have sacrificed so much just to continue up with the high. Some of us had to abandon our family, our goals, our dreams. Some of us sacrificed our finances and our careers to have just another “high”. Some of us willingly sacrificed our own health for it.

How can something that feels so good bring us nothing but bad?

How can something that stabilizes our mind and our heart for so long be just flat out wrong?

In many cases sometimes the thing that we are addicted to can be overall good when used in moderation. For example, shopping serves us a good purpose when we need groceries or a new outfit. Shopping can be good for buying gifts for friends, or just overall everyday necessities. When we start to abuse this right to shop it then can easily lead to an addiction. Shopping can then become “bad” when we over shop, spend all of our savings just to get a feeling of completeness or being whole. Shopping in this case can be used as a tool of comfort. It becomes an issue when our shopping effects our everyday life, plummets our finances and is supplying us with an unhealthy proportion of bliss.

School

We go to school and many of us are told to stay away from drugs because there are chemicals in them that can rewire our brains to become codependent. Meanwhile, that drug can be destroying our organs and cause various cancers at the same time and sometimes death. With that being said some of us still found ourselves in the claws of those drugs unfortunately. School tried to warn us about drugs but why do so many get caught in it?? Was it loneliness? Comfort? To fit in? Was it just something to do? The answer may vary on the person. However, school never really talks about those other common addictions that sneak up on us like sex, relationships, shopping, pornography, gambling and so on. These addictions that don’t have a health risk but can bring risks to our social interactions, and our finances, can disrupt our everyday lives and cause us to not get out of bed until we have fulfilled those urges. These activities , that were innately healthy things, like shopping or sex, that people do, can easily become an addiction when abused. It can mess up everything we built.

Withdrawal 101

In my experience the only way to break an addiction and conquer withdrawal symptoms is to uproot the issue that led to the addiction. Handle our “junk”. These issues no matter how big or small led us here. And ultimately, having to even read a blog such as this. When we are in the midst of the hardest storms of our lives, we have a tendency of only seeing the emotions in which we are feeling. Sometimes we cannot even comprehend how to make it out of the most unbearable hurt, or pain. The baggage and burden of our hearts scorn can be as heavy as the house that fell on the Witch in the “Wizard of Oz”. As adults sometimes we can look at kids when they go through and compare their small issues to our adult issues. We can say most of us heard growing up, “Get over it.” or “You think that’s bad?” “Grow a pair.” Sometimes adults can not acknowledge or even comprehend how these children’s issues can seem like the world to them when that issue is the biggest battle they have faced their entire life. No matter what age we all go through. It is as certain as breathing and dying that we will face trials and tribulations. These trials and tribulations that life can brutally throw at us can sometimes permanently change us. If we are willing, they can change us for the better and in some cases they don’t. And in those cases, it can leave us feeling empty and thus prompting us to being vulnerable to an addiction.

Now think back to when you were a kid or even a teen.

What brought you here?

Why are we here?

Mirror Moment/ My Addiction

I just want to start off saying I was not always facing an addiction. I used to be quite confident as a child. I had standards in elementary school. I use to defend the “weak”. I had no tolerance for people being bullied. My confidence was so high. I was relentlessly bold with my declarations of love and could not understand why I would ever be turned down. On the flip side though, I was use to abuse. From my first memory on I was drowning in it. I had an abusive baby sitter. I had watched my parents live an abusive relationship. I was numb to it. Rejection came quickly and then abandonment. I was abandoned by many and found myself developing various addictions. By the time I was eighteen I had faced every type of abuse you can think of. And just in case you need help. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused from a young age on up and into my early adult years it became a heavy burden. A painful robe I wore every day. My constant abuse caused people to abandon me because they felt like I had to much issues. Not to mention family who abandoned me. No one could see I was hurting or maybe they did not care because they were busy saving themselves from hurt. I did not want to feel that emotion, hurt. I FOUND MYSELF ALONE, AND BECAUSE OF THAT I BECAME ADDICTED TO THINGS TO NOT FEEL THE EMOTIONS I WANTED TO AVOID!

YOU GOT THIS! Take a Step of Faith!

I had to deal with that emotion hurt and take ownership in my role in my life to break that cycle of pain to then conquer my addictions.

Some days are easy and other days are hard for me. I want to go back to the familiar. Every once in a while it creeps up. I realize as I grow and heal that not everyday will be good. As I continue to heal my roots the addiction lessons. I no longer begin to crave the things that never meant me any good. I begin to break cycles by working on my abuse, my abandonment and my lack of self-love.

This journey is not easy, but I dare you to ask yourself why you began doing whatever addiction you have. If there is any hope, I believe that once we are willing to look at our brokenness in the face, we can then empower ourselves to have and reclaim everything that was stolen from us by life.

Lastly, I pray the healing power of Christ on you.

It will get better.

It has to.

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*I am nowhere near qualified to be giving advice about anything I am discussing. This blog is just focusing on how I HANDLE and found conclusions, or no conclusion yet, to issues most people face in life. I encourage you to read my about me page before reading further*

GRAB A BRUSH AND LETS PAINT

Prologue

Hey new found artists. This might sound lame but I will say it. If you are reading this you are in the right place to transform with me. Welcome to the page of a very confused women who is trying to figure out life. I implore you to take your time and follow along in the chaos you are about to read and share with me. Welcome to chrysalis or in other words cocoon. This is a phase in our life where we both transform and navigate those feelings no one wants to talk about. But hey, don’t worry, have no fear please, I will talk about them for you! I am really good at saying things no one wants to say, at the most awkward moments in order to help the majority. I am the kid in your math class who raises her hand asking how did the teacher get that answer. And thus, saving the whole class from failing the test because everyone wanted to ask but cared about going to lunch more. Yes, I am her and she is me. Even if I am an introvert somehow, I can put that all aside if this can reach those who look like me, talk like me and are as confused as myself.

Long story short I just want to help by sharing my confusion.

So

With that being said…

LET’S START IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning was a girl, no better yet a baby. Someone not so better then the next person. However, nonetheless, she arrived here, in this world, with no blue print or guide book. Just a bottle of emotions that would be her compass throughout her life. She was full of life, hope and countless hours of sleep. She was silly, spontaneous and very much naïve because she grew up in a sheltered home that was located in a sheltered town. She saw the best in people, regardless of demographics. People were good in her eyes, even if she saw people at their worst, she had believed them to be good. She believed that people had a rough past, or even a cushioned past, that caused them to do “not so nice things” but overall humans were “good.” They just needed someone to understand them. And she would be the person to understand them.

So, with a mindset like that I had a lot of days where I cried. A lot. I asked the infamous question. Why me??? That was always the question I asked myself growing up. When life got a little bit uncomfortable. Why am I going through so much and no matter how nice I am. I always wanted to know why is it so impossible to be understood, loved and respected by the people I admired the most. Why am I incapable of having a relationship that last longer then a few months without me being dumped? Why is it so hard for me and people like me to be valued and to have solid friends or companionship on the most basic level. If I thought I believed people to be overall good why was it so impossible for me to find solid connections.

Truth Moment

Well truth is with me I gave myself a lot of excuses. I settled and refused to leave.  I subconsciously kept trying to heal people. So much so that I was putting my own life at risk. I was willing to self-sabotage in order to save other people who genuinely meant ME NO GOOD. I was subconsciously addicted to toxic relationships and had no idea. Yes I am calling me out I was getting a fix out of being with people who put me on an emotional roller coaster and I had no idea. I believed that this was normal because this was all I knew from the relationship I had seen from the people I adored most.

I was sheltered growing up. I would hear “Naomi, really, you did not know that? That is just common sense. ” Common sense is not so common when you live in a bubble. Although true having being sheltered really makes you feel like an alien, not fitting in with any group for your lack of cultural adaptation simply sucks. I was overly protected, and  for was never really given the chance to explore life. Being sheltered although it is a fair excuse for my ignorance, after a while of living, I could not use that as a reliable excuse for repeated toxic friendships and relationships. I had been battling with a lot of different issues due to me being naive. That in the end led me to being raped, abducted and abandoned etc. Grant it in SOME OF THOSE situations I was very careful. I followed all the “rules” and still had some unfortunate things happen to me. Yet, the real important issue came into play when those unfortunate situations that were out of my control kept happening. When I constantly found myself in situations where repeated horrific things were happening to me that were out of my control. I was still asking the big question why me, why so many times to me and why no friends? This all may sound crazy but it took me years to discover how I was addicted to the hurt. I only viewed myself as someone worthy of such relationships and situations. Because that’s what I was told in these toxic situations by people I deemed to be “good”.

I spent countless hours doing community service and healing broken people like the addictive friendships and relationships I was in. Yet that did not quench my thirst. If I was not self destructing subconsciously it was not fulfilling for me. I had not realized it but my actions of staying and going back to nothing good for me showed me I had a real issue.

Truth is I was not ready to be uncomfortable in change. I wanted happiness but did not want to do the work.

Truth is I was happy in my unhappiness and was okay with complaining everyday.

Truth is I wanted someone else to save me but not to the extent that them saving me would disrupt my everyday routine.

I had made peace in the consistent chaos of being a miserable victim.

So Why Stop the Addiction If You Are Addicted to Hurt?

Life can be peaceful where the grass is not familiar.

You can start appreciating who you really are. For me, being sheltered really helped me lose my identity. Crazy enough, I used to be confident and someone who was admired by many. I used to be the person who would not settle for less. I just got lonely and was desperate for toxic companionship. I say toxic companionship because the universe blessed me with respectful people, who meant me no harm from time to time. I found every excuse to get rid of them and followed through. If they made a mistake I would cut them off at the root. Especially over minor mistakes, whereas toxic relationships and friendships, I would chase after those and find every excuse to keep them. I would make red flags look like they were common human flaws. Yet in reality the amount of red flags I justified could be knitted together to make ten king sized blankets.

I found so much peace in being my own best friend. That is the only reason I have that is worth breaking this addiction. I found a better addiction which was me.  I realized that I did not want my future family to see my actions as normal; and that what I was doing was what love was supposed to look like.

I grabbed a brush for myself and repainted me not the people around me. I found out for myself that this is what I wanted and that was to change. If you do not want to change your situation I can not convince you to break your addictive cycle. I can write until my fingers fall off, give you legit advice from famous psychologist, and you may try it for a few days and quit. Real change requires you being uncomfortable for a while so if you are not okay with that do not try to break your addiction. Someone told me to “leave” when you are ready. However, if I took their advice I would have never left or consider leaving any situation. I still have never broken up with anyone. I had learned the hard way on how to let someone go because I had no choice. It would have been easier if I broke the toxic friendships and relationships when they were not good for me. I merely did not want to. I found myself so uncomfortable that I had to become comfortable to not go insane. I had to accept the “drug” was gone and had to figure out life without out it.

Life never worked out so good for me until they left.

I got a high off of myself and have not come down yet.

PEACE, SELF LOVE, AND RESPECT

….are the only reasons I can think of that were worth breaking it.

-Picture taken by Naomi Wingate.