*I am nowhere near qualified to be giving advice about anything I am discussing. This blog is just focusing on how I HANDLE and found conclusions, or no conclusion yet, to issues most people face in life. I encourage you to read my about me page before reading further*

GRAB A BRUSH AND LETS PAINT

Prologue

Hey new found artists. This might sound lame but I will say it. If you are reading this you are in the right place to transform with me. Welcome to the page of a very confused women who is trying to figure out life. I implore you to take your time and follow along in the chaos you are about to read and share with me. Welcome to chrysalis or in other words cocoon. This is a phase in our life where we both transform and navigate those feelings no one wants to talk about. But hey, don’t worry, have no fear please, I will talk about them for you! I am really good at saying things no one wants to say, at the most awkward moments in order to help the majority. I am the kid in your math class who raises her hand asking how did the teacher get that answer. And thus, saving the whole class from failing the test because everyone wanted to ask but cared about going to lunch more. Yes, I am her and she is me. Even if I am an introvert somehow, I can put that all aside if this can reach those who look like me, talk like me and are as confused as myself.

Long story short I just want to help by sharing my confusion.

So

With that being said…

LET’S START IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning was a girl, no better yet a baby. Someone not so better then the next person. However, nonetheless, she arrived here, in this world, with no blue print or guide book. Just a bottle of emotions that would be her compass throughout her life. She was full of life, hope and countless hours of sleep. She was silly, spontaneous and very much naïve because she grew up in a sheltered home that was located in a sheltered town. She saw the best in people, regardless of demographics. People were good in her eyes, even if she saw people at their worst, she had believed them to be good. She believed that people had a rough past, or even a cushioned past, that caused them to do “not so nice things” but overall humans were “good.” They just needed someone to understand them. And she would be the person to understand them.

So, with a mindset like that I had a lot of days where I cried. A lot. I asked the infamous question. Why me??? That was always the question I asked myself growing up. When life got a little bit uncomfortable. Why am I going through so much and no matter how nice I am. I always wanted to know why is it so impossible to be understood, loved and respected by the people I admired the most. Why am I incapable of having a relationship that last longer then a few months without me being dumped? Why is it so hard for me and people like me to be valued and to have solid friends or companionship on the most basic level. If I thought I believed people to be overall good why was it so impossible for me to find solid connections.

Truth Moment

Well truth is with me I gave myself a lot of excuses. I settled and refused to leave.  I subconsciously kept trying to heal people. So much so that I was putting my own life at risk. I was willing to self-sabotage in order to save other people who genuinely meant ME NO GOOD. I was subconsciously addicted to toxic relationships and had no idea. Yes I am calling me out I was getting a fix out of being with people who put me on an emotional roller coaster and I had no idea. I believed that this was normal because this was all I knew from the relationship I had seen from the people I adored most.

I was sheltered growing up. I would hear “Naomi, really, you did not know that? That is just common sense. ” Common sense is not so common when you live in a bubble. Although true having being sheltered really makes you feel like an alien, not fitting in with any group for your lack of cultural adaptation simply sucks. I was overly protected, and  for was never really given the chance to explore life. Being sheltered although it is a fair excuse for my ignorance, after a while of living, I could not use that as a reliable excuse for repeated toxic friendships and relationships. I had been battling with a lot of different issues due to me being naive. That in the end led me to being raped, abducted and abandoned etc. Grant it in SOME OF THOSE situations I was very careful. I followed all the “rules” and still had some unfortunate things happen to me. Yet, the real important issue came into play when those unfortunate situations that were out of my control kept happening. When I constantly found myself in situations where repeated horrific things were happening to me that were out of my control. I was still asking the big question why me, why so many times to me and why no friends? This all may sound crazy but it took me years to discover how I was addicted to the hurt. I only viewed myself as someone worthy of such relationships and situations. Because that’s what I was told in these toxic situations by people I deemed to be “good”.

I spent countless hours doing community service and healing broken people like the addictive friendships and relationships I was in. Yet that did not quench my thirst. If I was not self destructing subconsciously it was not fulfilling for me. I had not realized it but my actions of staying and going back to nothing good for me showed me I had a real issue.

Truth is I was not ready to be uncomfortable in change. I wanted happiness but did not want to do the work.

Truth is I was happy in my unhappiness and was okay with complaining everyday.

Truth is I wanted someone else to save me but not to the extent that them saving me would disrupt my everyday routine.

I had made peace in the consistent chaos of being a miserable victim.

So Why Stop the Addiction If You Are Addicted to Hurt?

Life can be peaceful where the grass is not familiar.

You can start appreciating who you really are. For me, being sheltered really helped me lose my identity. Crazy enough, I used to be confident and someone who was admired by many. I used to be the person who would not settle for less. I just got lonely and was desperate for toxic companionship. I say toxic companionship because the universe blessed me with respectful people, who meant me no harm from time to time. I found every excuse to get rid of them and followed through. If they made a mistake I would cut them off at the root. Especially over minor mistakes, whereas toxic relationships and friendships, I would chase after those and find every excuse to keep them. I would make red flags look like they were common human flaws. Yet in reality the amount of red flags I justified could be knitted together to make ten king sized blankets.

I found so much peace in being my own best friend. That is the only reason I have that is worth breaking this addiction. I found a better addiction which was me.  I realized that I did not want my future family to see my actions as normal; and that what I was doing was what love was supposed to look like.

I grabbed a brush for myself and repainted me not the people around me. I found out for myself that this is what I wanted and that was to change. If you do not want to change your situation I can not convince you to break your addictive cycle. I can write until my fingers fall off, give you legit advice from famous psychologist, and you may try it for a few days and quit. Real change requires you being uncomfortable for a while so if you are not okay with that do not try to break your addiction. Someone told me to “leave” when you are ready. However, if I took their advice I would have never left or consider leaving any situation. I still have never broken up with anyone. I had learned the hard way on how to let someone go because I had no choice. It would have been easier if I broke the toxic friendships and relationships when they were not good for me. I merely did not want to. I found myself so uncomfortable that I had to become comfortable to not go insane. I had to accept the “drug” was gone and had to figure out life without out it.

Life never worked out so good for me until they left.

I got a high off of myself and have not come down yet.

PEACE, SELF LOVE, AND RESPECT

….are the only reasons I can think of that were worth breaking it.

-Picture taken by Naomi Wingate.